"As I got, I gave ... as I give, I get. - Mary McLeod Bethune
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he
won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the
blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the
building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed
her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't
take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m.. news and so I knew he would
jump." The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob
took the money.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted
to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my
life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied, "I 'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get
the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it? " "Don't be
nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if
something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your
wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><><>
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
------- --------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf.
********************************
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The
first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look
like?"
" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
*********************
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!
So what have we learned in 2 millennia???
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt
should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome
become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public
assistance." - Cicero - 55 BC Evidently.... nothing!
Computer trouble! I was having trouble with my computer. So I called
Richard, the 11-year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little genius.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman
gains her masters.
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were
growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food
was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Mom cooked every day and when
Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I
didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like
it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer
serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have
permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years
they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at
Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck
anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never
had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only
had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 5. It was, of course, black
and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the
national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m.
and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local
people.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit
into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down,
plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza
I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen
and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were
delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a
newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2
cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the
42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him
50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for
everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything
offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share
some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me
if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with
a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no
idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew
it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes
with because we didn't have steam irons.
How many do you remember?
Head lights-- dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember-- not the ones you were told about!!
Ratings at the bottom.
- Blackjack chewing gum
- Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
- Candy cigarettes
- Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
- Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
- Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
- Party lines on the telephone
- Newsreels before the movie
- P.F. Flyers
- Butch wax
- TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there
until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels, if you
were fortunate)
- Peashooters
- Howdy Doody
- 45 RPM records
- S & H Green stamps
- Hi-fi's
- Metal ice trays with lever
- Mimeograph paper
- Blue flashbulbs
- Packards
- Roller skate keys
- Cork popguns
- Drive-ins
- Studebakers
- Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16- 25 = You're older than dirt!
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